love story

it all started in high school.

with a fantasy love story.

the flirty cheerleader and the popular basketball player

fell in love too quickly.

the feeling seemed mutual.

he was my first and i was his.

to cut it short, i messed up.

forgiving and understanding as he was.

he never gave up on me until he did.

he had to.

protective over his heart.

i loved every inch of it but couldn't comprehend why.

why was the love there in the first place

after the torment i gave him.

after a while, i started to realize for myself

what i had actually become.

self-centered.

i found peace in the devil's lettuce.

or so i thought.

lost as i was, college came and i fell apart even more.

at first glance, i thought i saw the loml again

but in a different form.

i had no idea what i was getting myself into.

the lack of self-esteem,

i needed him for comfort.

i needed him to hold my hand.

i needed him to hug me.

i needed him to tell me it was okay.

but he never did.

confused at this point.

how could my romantic fantasy come to an end?

how can what i wanted so much for myself be crushed

by someone i thought "loved" me?

i thought it was true love.

i really did.

but he didn't even know what love was himself.

lost. we both were. unpleasantly,

anger came into my life like a guest.

entered and exited as it pleased.

the tears after overwhelmed me.

i couldn't bear it anymore.

i started to lose hope in that fantasy.

started to lose hope in the dreams i had for

my little love story.

that anger grew.

i turned into a whole different person.

violent words slaughtered each other, doors slammed.

open and shut with so much force.

bodies were pushed, faces were slapped.

i hurt him.

and all he did was sit there and take it.

he never hurt me.

the darkness that took over me...

the guilt...

i was far-gone. i knew God wouldn't even look at somebody like me.

that pretty face i had turned ugly real fast.

i felt ashamed.

couldn't even look in the mirror anymore.

dumb in "love".

caught myself crying on my knees begging God to get me out.

to free me.

nights were hard...

the isolation of my dorm was tormenting.

angels were always with me though.

my mom was my guardian angel in the flesh.

she stopped me from doing the most harm on myself

over a boy.

she was always there.

i took it for granted though.

on my own will...

in my own way...

i could see the light but could never reach out and grab it.

bewildered. the confusion got the best of me.

i fell once again. falling into the wrong relationships

and holding onto my soul tie as well.

bringing innocent souls into my wilderness.

distracted by what man can give me, rather than

what i can give to myself.

placing my own broken pieces into a disoriented puzzle.

those pieces never fitted.

i got closer to God through my mistakes.

your mistakes are where you meet God.

every fuck up, every boy, every broken friendship

was a lesson i had to learn.

my pieces slowly started to form back into their beautiful place.

i started to feel again but not for my old life, my old friends.

the Lord was pushing new into me.

new life. new love. His love. new energy. His energy.

i got in alignment with His wants and needs for myself.

i had to find my purpose.

my purpose protected me.

i found what made me genuinely happy and what didn't.

the dreamy, romantic love life i wanted for myself

started to come across my mind again.

my love life is still being written today but best believe,

NOW. i am willing to be patient and wait for whomever God

has for me.

i know he will be everything i have asked for in a man.

all i gotta say to myself and to other women trapped in a

toxic love cycle:

1. don't skip over the red flags. red flags are important. they show you what you don't like. literally.

2. if it doesn't bring you peace, drop it, leave it where it is IMMEDIATELY.

3. realize who you are without the man, without the money, without the friends, without the materialistic things surrounding you

4. take the people in your past as Destiny Helpers. they help you find who you truly are.

5. don't take it personal. it's not meant to hurt you, it's meant to humble you and open your eyes. you were blind and now you can see :)

6. the heart is everything, your heart is everything. the heart keeps you going, if that stops then you've already lost. focus on you.

this ain't easy. it won't be easy for you either.

unlearning things you thought were so correct.

creating boundaries and building your own is haarrddd.

you are not alone though.

don't worry about getting everything right.

start with understanding that mistakes are mistakes.

failures are failures. meant to build you up instead of break

you down.

understand that this is a mental thing at the end of the day.

you can overcome any anxiety with the Spirt of the Lord.

ask Him about it.

seek Him!

and guard the love from within.

~Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it

determines the course of your life"